The Rules of Perception

If I told you that I wanted to die you would take it all wrong. Your ears would hear something different from what I really mean. The words would sound pathetic to you, like I'm a dark soul who's given up on the world and can't hack it.
What I really mean is that I want to shed the skin of who I am, not live this life anymore. I want to shake off the shackles of my reality and awaken to a new one in which I have more energy and a social life, intelligence and will.
You see, it seems to me that it's easy for you to be who you are. For me it's a curse. My body is separate from my mind and soul. I hover above myself, watching, screaming at the top of my ghost lungs to get up, do something different, live in the moment.
Sometimes I get so fed up with myself that I end up leaving myself for awhile; who knows where I go when this happens. But when it does happen, my body acts independent of a soul; just an empty compilation of atoms in motion.
I don't know how often it happens. Perhaps it's happened since the dawn of time. Maybe I'm never really me, maybe me is something else every time (a tree, a pilot, a baker, art in a museum) and this me, right now, is just the me of right now.
And I'm not going to kill myself. The truth is, death terrifies me. The thought of the unknown darkness makes me nervous. And I couldn't cut myself, or pull the trigger on a gun. I don't even have the desire to take large quantities of pills because I'd probably just end up making myself sick and have to succumb to an inch wide tube being shoved down my throat and swallowing charcoal that would make my stool black for days.
And I don't want my parents, friends or family to be sad. I don't want them to visit me in the hospital while my hair is still stringy from the vomit that was too much for the inch wide tube to handle. I don't want them to pray over me and ask me what's wrong, what they did or can do now to show me they love me. I don't want them to see my pale face that I would secretly hope to be clear for weeks because of my cleansed system.

not enough

a man stopped me in the parking lot today and asked for my phone number. I was flattered. he called tonight and made small talk. within two minutes he told me that he liked my figure; that it caught his eye. my heart sank. i told him i wasn't comfortable with that sort of conversation. he said perhaps i would feel more comfortable talking over lunch. i said i would. we said goodbye.