in case you ever wonder

i tend to avoid situations where i might seem needy. you might have mistaken this for independence or snobbery. it had everything to do with you and my intense wish to make it work this time. whatever it may be. because honestly, i'm not sure i believe in love. i'm not sure it's possible for two people or anybody for that matter to connect on anything but a superficial level. and that's all my fault. oh well. you'll find someone else: someone more suited to your lifestyle. i'm too tired to have fun, too insecure to splash around in the ocean or host parties on weekends.
i'm just too tired.

biting metal

I can only say that it's like the way it feels when you forgot to take off all the wrapper on your gum (back in the day) and accidentally bit into a piece of the metal. that feeling of surprise when all you can focus on is the pain and how to stop it. that bright flash of blue light that comes from out of nowhere.
this is the way i feel when i see things that remind me of ex boyfriends or things that should. this is the way i feel when i walk past the princess pub or drive up the 101 or the 5 to my parent's house. when i go into nob hill grocery store at home, or the cedar house, or taunya's i always have this feeling. when my phone rings or my email chimes or i open my mailbox: hoping.

grand mal

this afternoon I witnessed my neighbor having a seizure. this has to have been the most terrifying experience i've ever endured. in the back of my mind i was searching for some way to help him while he writhed on the steps - body on the landing, head on the way down. you can't hold a person having a seizure; they have 'retard strength.' i called 911 and hope to never need their assistance in the future. it seemed forever before they got here. so the guy was there, just writhing on the steps. i couldn't just watch him. i wasn't sure if he could hear me, but i told him help was on the way. i recall that it was so quiet. he wasn't screaming in pain. he wasn't making any sound at all which made me think that it must be very painful. he was spitting everywhere. this is how i imagine it's like to be possessed. i ran to my apartment and got him a glass of water.
finally his episode was over and he just got really quiet. his breathing got really deep and finally he just popped his head up and lay his head on my lap. he looked up at me, confused, said hello, then lay his head back down. I tried to reassure him, let him know it was alright, that he was fine. I don't think he heard me.
the lady at 911 said he would be confused, probably act like he was fine, and he did. he walked away in fact and the paramedics made him sit down. the crowd wandered off and i did too. i picked up the cup of water still sitting where we left it. the 911 lady told me not to give it to him.
i can't seem to pour it out...

cover me

I bought my goddaughter this outfit when she was less than six months old. I've never been good with measurements so the fact that it the top was for a toddler and the bottom was for a one year old made no difference to me. It looked right.

What I love most about this outfit is that it resembles wallpaper or upholstery. I have a deep affinity for these types of prints which are, much to my despair, only reserved for the aforementioned. I want my wardrobe to have bold fleur de lis, rough fabric lined with satin. I don't understand why the average consumer would rather buy a solid colored sedan over one with a wild print.

another of life's mysteries.

you can't start a fire without a spark.

Wear Sunscreen