fractured

I had another breakdown today. It's embarrassing to admit, but this happens on a regular basis. I try to express a feeling and suddenly the floodgates open. I can't stop them, it just makes it worse.

Perhaps even more embarrassing is the fact that my boss, due to being the only human being I interact with on a personal level on most days, has to endure these. This time she told me that all of my communication as of late has expressed a message of fractured relationships that end up leaving me feeling insecure. It's true.

Nick talks a lot about looking at myself through my third eye. That's not my problem. My problem seems to be that I am acting independent of myself and my desired actions. When I started to cry today everything in my was screaming STOP! but I couldn't stop.

i am gonna cry

it's 532 pm. i'm supposed to be in class. i can't go.
i got my new washer and dryer delivered today. i have to rearrange my furniture.
i sold my bed. now my mattress is just laying on the floor. i can't tell my apartment apart from a crack house.
i have too much stuff. i don't have anyplace to put it. i can't seem to sell it all. i'm too scared to throw it away. i'm too greedy to give it away.
i need help.

Fear plus loathing plus self effacing behavior

This chapter of my life, the chapter I would title, "This is bullshit," has to be the most enlightened of all chapters of my life. This portion of my life is where all of my dreams have come true.
My desire to be independent is fulfilled. Not only am I independent, I am alone. The friends I do have are far away or flakey (read: selfishly unavailable).
My desire to let a man control my finances has been fulfilled: I am broke constantly - all of my money controlled by the Man.

I'm not sure I want any of the things I thought I wanted out of life. Marriage will inevitable lead to divorce. Bearing children will make them hate you. Any money I make will be lost.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of failure.
Fear of intimacy.

I'm in love with my neighbor

Yeah, I've got it bad for him. He stands out on the catwalk and smokes cigarettes while drinking what looks to be Natural Ice beer out of a can. He has a chubby little black lab that he takes to the park to go to the bathroom. I sit on my stoop in hopes that I will catch him during either of the aforementioned activities and he'll strike up a conversation. Nevermind that he has a girlfriend and I think she lives with him.

the heat

My memories are set in virtual summer. No matter that it may have been Oregon when I couldn't afford heat and it wasn't fashionable to wear bulky clothing - it was honey colored. Not the blueish hue that winter casts, but the honey dripped sun dallops of summer.

The weather the past few days has been the epitomy of those remembered days.

nightmare

It's 3am. I was shaken awake by a dream in which my brother confessed to murdering his fiance and mother of his unborn child. It was so real.
This wouldn't be as upsetting to me if earlier this week, a friend of ours from back home myspaced me to tell me that he was arrested for domestic violence.
What is he doing?
In the dream I told him to turn himself in- that he could enter an insanity plea - but that he had to turn himself in immediately so that he could get out sooner.
How can I help him? What can I do for him if I'm so far away?
It's 3am and I'm sitting here sobbing as I type. How can this dream have upset me so much?

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I remember the last time I saw Adam like it was a minute ago. I remember it so well becuase I knew it would be the last time I saw him and I never wanted to let him go. I tried to memorize the color and patterns of his eyes, his smell, the exact way my body felt agianst his.

Adam was the first man to tell me that he loved me. I felt that he really did. He used to talk about the wedding ring he would buy me someday. I thought he really would buy me that ring.

Recently, Adam came back into my life virtually via the website Together We Served . It's confusing how the Universe can bring you so close to something, give you a taste, and then never let you have it. I know I'll never have Adam. I think he's married now with a little girl. I still love him though. That's the thing about real love is that it never goes away. There'll always be a place in my heart filled with love, just for him.