Musings on an evening drive home

It occurred to me while driving home tonight that my family and friends might think it odd that I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. In fact,I've never really had a long- term boyfriend except Crush and since nobody ever saw me with him or met him he might be considered "not real" by even those closest to me.

It has never bothered me, not having a boyfriend, but I began questioning the reason and here's what I came up with:

I love sex. I don't love being pressured for it when I don't want it. It gets really annoying and I hate feeling the need to make excuses or feeling guilty for being so gosh darn sexy as to always keep my man hot and bothered.

I want sex on my own terms.

HOWEVER, I do not like to initiate sex or to be dominant during sexual occasions. Frankly, weak men make me sick, and any man who lets me dominate him is weak.

So you see now that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is that no masculine, strong, sexy, intelligent, witty, rich, traveled, charismatic, man would try to guess when I wanted to have sex and then initiate it. God! Why do I have to be so complicated?

Why can't I be like a regular woman and settle for some regular guy? Why can't I just force myself to enjoy an illiterate buffoon groping me?

So what was it about Crush that kept me interested for over 2 years?
I know he liked me, but other guys have liked me too.
He did constantly grope me, in fact,I can't recall an occasion we spent together when sex wasn't a part of the agenda.
He wasn't particularly sexy, or muscular.
But he was strong and a bit witty, although we had different senses of what was funny, he was traveled and charismatic, intelligent and rich. And although he wasn't conventionally sexy or iron-man muscular, I thought him the equivalent of a Roman God.

Ugh. Did I love him.

No other men measure up.

And I wonder if it's because I never really had him that made me feel alright staying with him.