Think about it.

Whenever I am waiting for the elevator in my apartment building I make sure that I stand back a distance in case someone should be coming out of the elevator. Have you ever come out of an elevator and had someone walking in while you were trying to walk out? It is so rude.

How ABBA saved my life and other musings

How I felt then is how it feels to know that you are alone in the world. That feeling of hopelessness when you know that somehow you where wired wrong, differently than the others. I felt no connection with anyone. I was one person in a sea of other people, none of us really connecting to one another. None of us really understanding one another.
I lay in my rack, silent tears streaming, hot, down the side of my face, seeking comfort in my ears. My nose so filled with snot that it leaked out, lava.
I breathed, quick, sucking breaths in through my mouth. I breathed out silent, slow, forceful, wanting my whole being breathed out.
The way I felt then is the way it feels to realize that you have no soul. That you are only an intelligent animal and that you aren't special at all. Your whole life is a sham and so is everything else. It's the way it feels to lose faith.
The way I felt then was that ABBA was singing to me when they sang
"Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you."
And that was all I needed to survive the loss of my soul. One song.

But how I feel now is worse. Even ABBA can't help me deal with the emptiness I've discovered now that I'm in the same place again. I'm still utterly alone. I will always be alone, except for myself, a monstrous being.