Bloody Mary 

my underwear drawer 

my makeup drawer 

my junk box 

I hate wikipedia

I've seen people use wikipedia in their links to explain things that maybe wouldn't be understood by the layman. I thought this was cool and I asked matt what it was all about. It was sort of confusing, but I decided that this would be the perfect venue for a strategic communication operation for my job, Sea Warrior.
I poured my heart into a very informative entry. The next time I went to the link, found it had been edited by some guy named Bbpen. Bbpen replaced all of my up-to-date material with an article from 2003 (yeah, two years ago) about how Sea Warrior was coming soon. I emailed this Bbpen and based on his response, soon developed a venomous contempt for Bbpen.
Fuck Bbpen, fuck wikipedia. This is nothing more than a way for communists, disguised as liberals to force people into conformity by putting restrictions on what information is distributed to the masses. How dare Bbpen change my posts merely because I didn't know the "rules" of wikipedia. He could have changed the post to reflect the rules if it was so important to him, but instead, he chose the change the content of my entry, which is classified as censorship.
It's frustrating to say the least. Even though I am a resident expert of Sea Warrior, this Bbpen has final authority over the content of the Sea Warrior information on wikipedia. This leads me to question the validity of the rest of the information on wikipedia. How many others have tried to add their genius to the archive only to have their information deleted by the wikipediacracy? It's a dark day in the history of the First and Fourteenth Ammendment to the United States Constitution!!

My favorite thing to do:

is to get drunk in the middle of the day; the morning even. Bloody Mary's are the best for this because they give the feeling of eating a meal so that food never comes into the picture and the day can be spent in a perpetual state of pissed.

Everything I know, I learned from television.

I've spentthis Memorial Day weekend sleeping. I'm not kidding. I get up to eat, pee, and that's it. I guess I was tired.
I still think it has to do with my caffeine intake. My little body is just screaming for a fix and is going on strike until it gets it. I'm torn. I know the ill effects of caffeine, but every part of me is saying "who cares?".
People on TV drink coffee, tea, soda, constantly. On talk shows they always give the guest a cup of what? -coffee, because it's America's beverage. I know that everyone else in America drinks coffee, just look down the street where I'm sure you'll see a Starbucks, or some other crack-house. This is surely an indicator of the social stance toward caffeine consumption. Why do I think I'm so much better than the rest of America? Am I too good for caffeine? No.
Alas, I'm still torn. sob.

Coffee

I recently tried to quit caffeine. I did this because I was becoming terribly anxious and I refuse to believe that it's from drinking too much alcohol. Naturally, caffeine is the next best drug to eliminate, right?
Have you ever tried to quit caffeine? You may laugh (ha, ha), and say "child's play!! I can do that!!", but after about two days you would be so foggy-headed that you would forage a compost bucket for the leftover coffee grinds.
The site that's linked above (yes, some of my titles are linked now, so don't miss out) is obviously run by hippies. Hippies have their place in society. For instance, if I were coming down off of a nasty heroin addiction, hippies would make sure I had plenty of methodone to ease me out of one addiction and into another. As it stands, there is no "easy way" to detox from coffee. I've tried this once before. No matter how much time elapses, I still stay foggy. End result: I research the upside of caffeine so I can tell myself that I'm doing myself a favor by drinking a cup of joe.

So, what are your hobbies?

I pride myself on not having a favorite this or a most hated that, but I have to admit that the thing I hate to hear the most is "what do you do in your spare time?"
It makes me defensive. Why do you care? Are you really listening? Would you like to join me in a "spare time activity?"
It makes me feel ashamed. I don't like to do anything in my spare time. Rather I like to do nothing in my spare time. Rather, I like to sit around, watch TV, eat food, drink alcohol and wax nostalgic in my spare time. So you can see why I don't want to share this information with people, because what I like to do is be private. That would be a rude answer, however, so over the years of antisocialism, I've come up with a few "hobbies" to feed the people who get off on that sort of thing.
For the fill in the blank "what are your hobbies", I give them: cooking, reading, writing, riding horses.
For those "ice-breaker-what-are-your-hobbies" nosy people, I give them: socializing, traveling, cooking, reading.
It's such a cliche question to break the ice with. I always lie, and I do it because that's my chance to forge their opinion of me. I can make them think I'm anyone I want just by telling them what I want them to hear, or what I know they want to hear. So elementary.
My method of getting to know someone is to ask them what TV show they like best. I find it's a better indicator of their personality.
Shows like In the Heat of the Night mean walk away. OC? Walk away. Simpsons? Now we have a conversation.
I've just come to realize that not everyone can be as great as me and my close circle of friends and accepted family, and while tolerance should be practiced, I'm not gonna preach it. I say divide and conquer.

smegma

this post is not for the weak of heart. these are actual pictures of smegma that i was forced to post by ash.
view at your own risk

circumcision? yes, please!

when a girl encounters her first uncircumcised penis (or vice versa), there is a certain degree of shock. the severity of that shock will shape her view of penises from that point on.
my first experience was horrid.
when i first realized that i was dealing with an uncircumcised penis, i was scared. honestly, i'm not a slut, but this was not my first rodeo, and i had come to think of uncircumcised penises as urban legends or something i would only see on a jewish boy.
maybe i'm just used to circumcision, but the un-version is decidedly not sexy. it's sort of droopy and aardvark-ish. nothing about it made me think "i want to put that in my mouth".
then, ashley told me about the smegma, which is, essentially, dick cheese. this is real, folks.
through research i can see the importance of the un-version and how it effects the sexual mechanics of a man. if i was an un-version boy and my parents showed me the facts about circumcision, i would decide against it. then i would cry when the first girl looked at it and said she had a head ache.

my face is a big, red stop sign

guess what? i have a computer at home now. i'm happy.

hello. 

shut up honda civic

what makes people who drive honda civics think that they are cool? i don't know the answer to that question, but my guess is that they are idiots. yesterday this dude (most likely a butt rocker) passed me in his honda crv (talk about a blast from 1994)and his engine was revved so high, i was afraid it would explode. he thought he was so cool doing 50mph in first gear.
if i was a bigger person (physically), i would make it my beeswax to follow people who drive hondas and tell them off. or, a more passive-aggressive approach (and a safer one) is just to type up a paragraph or so about how hondas equate to mental retardation and put them on the windshield of all hondas i see. the worst part about it is that i've begun to be car-ist. i judge people based on what type of car they drive. i don't even have to know you and if you tell me you drive a honda civic i will know that you are a stupid little kid who can't find enough responsibility in him/herself to save enough money to buy a real car. the honda civic is the hotwheel personified. drivers of honda civics have brains small enough to fit into hotwheels.

pay attention to me

how come i don't have a following? i wish that millions of people would clammer to my blog daily, drooling over my latest post, holding their breath to see my latest hairstyle.

by the way, i'm buying a computer. watch out

5.5.5

so last night i went with the aussie and his mate, ross to a bar called "fred's" so that ross could finish off his remaining 10 of 50 tequila shots for a trip (flight and hotel) to cabo, mexico. it was fun. he finished and since his friend had already completed one, he ended up getting two trips.
we ended up ouside listening to music and dancing. then this guy started dancing with me, and i honestly thought he was gay(i mean, this guy was flaming). next thing i know, my aussies are gone, so i call them on the phone- long story short, my aussie was pissed at me for dancing with the gay guy and didn't want to hear another word about it. i was upset. it ended badly. he kept saying that we were still friends, i kept saying fuck you. i got in a cab with tears streaming down my face and cried until i realized WHO CARES?
when i woke up this morning i had to laugh. there really is a GOD because i have the vouchers to mexico- both of them!!! take that australia!

g'day mate

so, i'm "dating"* an aussie. he hates america and g.w. bush. he hates that the breakfast cereal in america is chock-full of sugar and that it's nearly impossible to find a healthy breakfast cereal such as wheatabix, which is, apparently, the national breakfast food of australia (that and toast).
and he's a butt rocker. (don't know what a butt rocker is? click here to see if you are one)he listens to metal. funny, because he really doesn't look like a butt rocker. the tell-tale signs were not there. there was not mullet or acid wash cut-offs. i was duped.
between the hatred of america and the metal, i've told him several times that his fat ass wasn't welcome in america and that the ran was a joke and that i was sorry i've had sex with him because of all of the above. he just doesn't care though.
bottom line is that i really don't like him that much- and honestly, i find myself missing the hairy body of crush (this guy is all shaved which is gross because sometimes i have more stuble than he does)and i find that the sex isn't as good with the aussie as it was with crush because he doesn't know what i like. sigh. i really miss him. i'll stay with the aussie though because i like his accent. they all say things so funny. even "no" sounds funny. they add all these other vowels in to it so that it sounds like 'noir" or something. i can't dulicate it at all, but don't think i'm not trying. i'm like a friggin' parrot with the mimmicking. i'm sure it's annoying to him and his friends, but it's fun for me, and i'm the queen of the universe.