close to the edge
i'm one the verge of a nervous breakdown. it's my little secret though, so i am very careful not to let it show. i keep a smile on my face in an effort not to spit in the faces of the proletariats who pass as functioning citizens. i only let my self go at night when i know nobody will see, but stop myself from crying after a while because my face will be very puffy the next morning otherwise. once i couldn't stop from crying and my face resembled a newborn baby the next day. all day long people would say that i looked terrible, or else they would not say anything and politely recoil in disgust. i wake in the middle of the night in a terror, cold sweat stuck to my brow and my breasts. i wake in a panic, as if there is a stone left unturned, some avenue not explored, as if i remembered that i left the coffee pot on.
this has been going on for months, this feeling that something is amiss. i feel like a failure. i don't feel smart enough, pretty enough, responsible enough- i feel mediocre, and to me, that is the worst thing ever. i was watching television the other day and a preview for the day after tomorrow and i wished that something that catostrophic would happen so that the stress, the competition, the on and on would stop.

addict
friday, i made my weekly pilgrimage to GNC where i regularly spend at least an hour reading the labels on the shiny plastic bottles in hopes of discovering the combination of ingredients that will make my life perfect. on this particular day, after reading about the "perricone prescription", i decided that i needed more salmon oil in my life in order to have gorgeous skin. i also felt that i needed some sort of diet pill because i now wear a size eight vice six or four. after reading the labels of over 15 bottles, i settled on chromium picolinate. i really wanted to get a lot of other things, like liquid aloe vera, green powder that cost over $45, and some low carb shakes. i held back though.
when i finally meandered over to the checkout counter that cashier was very friendly. it wasn't until he said "sign here again", in reference to my debit receipt that i realized i have a problem. this cashier knew who i was because i frequented that place more than a normal person should. i am a vitamin addict.
is it so wrong? i could be a soda addict, cocaine addict, credit card addict. is there a potential for an overdose on vitamins- and let me clarify that i don't take a lot of the same vitamins, just lots of different ones. right now, for instance, i am taking a multivitamin, a hair skin and nails vitamin, a "labido boosting" vitamin, salmon oil, chromium, and he occasional acidophilis. too many? i don't think so, especially considering that these pills are all very beneficial to my wellbeing. i really don't think i would be as pretty, energetic, smart, etc, without them.
so yes. my name is trish, and i am an addict.

letter to ash
hello you sneaky little birdie! i am glad you are such a good spy, although i wish you would throw off the shackles of your incognita and let me know how you are doing once in a while. where are you living? are you still with ashley? do you miss me? i miss you,
teary bye,
trish

yo, yo

i am concerned. i watched a program on vh-1 sunday, about celebrity diets. these people are freaks! they were on everything from the zone to the raw diet, and some stuff i've never heard of. needless to say that as a victim of pop media, i was inspired to go on a diet. now who's crazy? with so many to choose from, i'm entirley overwhelmed. low carb, low fat, low dairy, low calorie, etc. it's enough to make a girl anorexic.
in a separate celebrity special highlighting the life of lisa marie presley, there was an interesting tidbit on scientology. i am so enamored with "secret" religions. what do these people know that i don't, and how do i fing out what they know. all kinds of celebrities are into scientology, and the funny thing is, once they get into it, they never give it up. tom cruise broke up with penelope because she wouldn't convert! what is so great that tom won't give up, and so horrible that penelope would toss a love affair with tom cruise out the window?
i looked through the scientology site and found it intriuging, only because it's so cult-ish. let me know what you guys think.

forms of media
i'm very into talk radio. last night, while driving home from class, a story was talking about the drama over prisoners in iraq. case in point was the the sexual exploits of the military police, especially some girl named SPC England. according to this report, england was engaging in sexual acts with other MP's while the prisoners were forced to watch. how distasteful. this girl gives a bad name to females in military combat. look at her picture- she's an ugly one too! and the guy that she's "engaged" to? yeah, he's ugly also. no wonder the iraqi detainee's are making such a fuss.
what really enraged me was a statement that she made. she claimed that her chain of command ordered her to abuse prisoners. she didn't admit to the sexual antics until pictures and even video (if you find the video, let me know). they should let me decide what punishment this girl should get. everyone knows that military members only have to follow "lawful" orders. since when is being sexually free in front of prisoners of war legal? i hope this bitch chokes.

economics
i signed up for this accelerated macroeconomics class. the class is three weeks long, twenty four hours per week, with eight of those hours on a saturday. on top of the grueling hours, there is the attention this course demands: the instructor actually wants us to pay attention to the economy! he suggests we subscribe the wsj, otherwise known as the wall street journal, and barons. i have a hard enough time listening to npr, which i manage to squeeze in during my half hour commute to/from work.
my plate is full. i requested to go on an around the horn cruise with the reagan. not that i want to be on a ship for two months, but the prospect of setting foot on my fifth continent is persuasive. i want it so bad. i want a lot of things so bad.
1. i want out of the navy
2. i want lots of scholarships to college
3. i want a job that i love
4. i want a job that pays a ton of money
5. i want to be content with what i have

long time gone
this seems to be a day of renewal. i got an email from mr. brad petty who has been a decided missing peice of the puzzle that is my life for quit some time. similarly, my obesession with blogging is refreshed after six months of sabbatical. spring has, indeed, sprung in my life.
i made a mix cd last night and it has a good amount of my favorite songs, including: PIMP, Under Pressure, Creep, etcetera. As I was listening to these songs today I noticed a theme, one of inspiration, achievement, and living the good life. I was pleased to see that my tastes inherently involve such positive themes.