crush is an idiot...j/k... crush is nice...only because he's with me. xmas was alright... (these dot, dot, dot's are driving me mad!) i met my sister... good. i moved into my new apartment...good. i see nikki in two days...i'm looking forward to it... yeah...merry fucking new year... boun natale... prospero ano... blah, blah, blah

the end result
crush came back on sunday. he *practically begged for me to take him back, so after much back and forth, i did. nothing has changed about our relationship: he will still only call me once every four or more days, will still only stay over one night, will still visit san francisco in search of other girls. what makes it better is that he let me know that he cares. all i really want is for him to be sweet to me, and i'll let him do whatever he wants.
i've been smoking cigarettes regularly lately. for those of you who know me, you know that that's a sure sign of stress. it's work. i'm so fed up. i've never been so disatisfied in my life. my cmc sat down with me the other day and told me that i have what it takes to make it in the navy- i've never been so insulted. people who make it in the navy are not the sort of people i emulate. the fact that i'm being put in the same category as compulsive liars, and those who need a security blanket, makes me want to vomit and run for my life.
the trick to life is to be happy with what you have. the trick to life is being happy with what you have. when life hands you a lemon, make lemonaide. eat your cereal with water if you have no milk- it's good!



*he didn't cry, but he was on his knees at one point, and claimed to have blurry vision and was short of breath when i told him (one of many times) that it was over.

misgivings
i spoke with crush last sunday. his excuses:
1. he didn't know think we were exclusive
2. he doesn't want to be exclusive

all fine and well, but couldn't he at least tell me that before i heard it throught the grapevine? he wants to "take a break from each other" i told him there would be no "breaks" plural, only one break that would end this madness. he said he wanted to see me when he got back and talk about it face to face, and i had to ask what more we had to talk about. i already know he doesn't want to see me anymore, so why would he have to tell me agian? it seems too much like twisting the knife if you ask me. he won't let me go. i have given him many a chance to walk away and each time he has said he doesn't want to go. WHY? and of course if i think he still wants to be together then i won't leave. it's the white trash in me, i guess. all this crap aside, this is my promise to you, and to myself:
i will not get upset when we talk, i will stay strong and hold my ground. i will not settle for less.

that same sunday, i spoke with adam (see archives). i had forgotten the sound of his voice. we talked for a long time and it was good. i miss him.
19 more days 'till chicago.

reindeer sighting
in the mist of the morning i saw him. the crazy upstairs neighbor, with two sticks held to his head like antlers, prancing in the first light. he suddenly stopped, as if he sensed danger, then he crouched beside a garbage can and sniffed the air. when he picked up my scent, he acted very casual, as if the whole thing were a part of his morning ritual. by this time, after a night of wind chimes, rhythmic laughing (hahahaha one two three hahahaha one two three hahahaha one two three...) i had had enough of his stupid ritual. i got in my truck and put on some gangsta rap, revved my engine and "accidentally" honked my horn. the guy has got to be stopped.

jane says, "i'm done with sergio. he treats me like a ragdoll".
she hides the television.
says, "i don't owe him nothing. but if he comes back again, tell him to wait right here for me or try again tomorrow".
such is how i feel.

friday
have i told you lately that i can't wait to go to chicago? my friend phil, who is from the windy city is making me a list of great places to eat. his only advice is that i not eat too much so that i don't end up fat, a destiny which may be inevitable considering all the partying on the horizon. it's sure to be the most fun i've had since i left italy (how tragic).
breaking news: crush has a tart in san fran. i found out yesterday, but haven't had the honor of discussing it with him yet, as he is out of town. rest assured that it's on the top of my to do list:
to do today
1. tell off crush

i'm not sure i have it in me to tell him off though, after all, he has the right to date whomever he wants. i will, however, let him know that i don't appreciate being lied to and relieve him of the obvious burden of being my intimate companion. fuck you crush.

in a jerry springer-esque turn of events, i found out that i have a sister! yes, on thanksgiving day, my father let me know that i have an eighteen year old half sister named sara. i'm still having a medly of feelings about this, so that's all i will say about that.

have a great weekend.

the madness
my upstairs neighbor is insane. the guy never sleeps, it can be three in the morning and I will hear him talking, not to another person because there isn't another voice, just him laughing and chatting away. another bit of craziness is his habit of running across the room and just falling down... the guy is gone. last week i came home from work to find him up to his knees is mud, planting flowers in the front yard. i said hello to him and he looked at me with a deer in the headlights look that told me he was on some kind of drug. acid, mushrooms, pcp, who knows, the fact of the matter is that nobody creates a swamp in their front yard and becomes botany boy if they are sober.
to add to the insanity, my other neighbors have a puppy. they let this puppy ouside all the time unattended and without a leash. the puppy barks at everything that goes by and has made himself comfortable underneath my bedroom window. i'm going to mix antifreeze with puppy chow and set it out for him. it sounds evil, but it gets to be too much when he wakes me up in the middle of the night.
that is all.