rest and relaxation?
i'm on leave all this week. i'm not going to do anything but lounge. it is a hard life though, trying to fill the hours, but who's complaining? date with crush on saturday/sunday: confusing. i'm starting to think he's just "that guy", which in turn would make me "that girl". *shreek* i'm tired of this helovesme,helovesmenot merry-go-round. incidentally, he read my blog and declared it "interesting", nothing more. could it be because he is made to be the villian in my little saga, or could it be that he never realized he was such a dick, or could it be that he hates the fact that i write about him because he thinks of me as nothing more than a fuck? and speaking of fuck, that's about all that it is anyway, so whatever. i'm really starting to resent him. its harder than i thought to be "that girl". i'm all self conscious all the time: we were making tacos and i was doing the topping part (lettuce, tomato, cheese) and i kept asking him how much i should cut. that is so unlike me! i know how much goddamn cheese to take out, i'm a smart girl, but for some reason i want him to feal in control... maybe because i'm afraid he won't like me if i show him the real me? ah!! i sound so fucking retarded! what would i do to have a regular boyfriend? i want a guy who wants to know what i'm thinking, who wants to come to my parents house for thanksgiving, who reads my blog and tells me that i'm talented. this whole ordeal is bad bad bad for my self image. maybe i subconsciously think that i don't deserve a great guy. is fear of success setting my boundries? hmmm?

i've said it before, and i'll say it again
roundtable pizza is the best pizza in america. i fucking love it. my all time favorite is the king arthur supreme, but a close second it the chicken and garlic gourmet. can i make a suggestion? find one near you and try some damn pizza. it's that simple.
and while we're on the subject of good food: you have got to try a mcgriddle it's mc-fucking-delicious. i'm not a fan of the mcdonalds corporation, but there is some kind of genious in using pancakes with syrup already inside! instead of buns for a breakfast sandwich.
another reiteration while on the subject of fast food- fast food nation by eric schlosser is an eye opener, a modern day
"the jungle". read it!

by the by, still no word from crush. who among you is surprised? i'm trying my best not to be sad about it though. it's his loss, right?

breaking news:elliot smith, xo

ps
i freakin' love the tagboard that matt installed. i never knew people actually read this thing, i always thought they just gave me lip service: "oh, ya... your blog(?) is really funny".
i only wish the "taggers" would enter in their email addresses or web sites so i can know who i have on my hands here (hint, hint).

crackers
i'm not talking about the honkey holdin' a nigga down, i'm talking about the manufacturers of some of americas favorite snackfoods: nabisco. we've all fallen in love with the buttery goodness of ritz crackers, marveled over the fact that fig newtons are in fact not cookies, but fruited cake, and tried not to bite into a chip while eating chips ahoy in the hopes we could sue the company for false advertisement. nabisco has cashed in on americas love for snack food, their inherent laziness and in doing so have created monstrous, overweight children who scream at the top of their lungs in grocery stores that they want cookies. how did we get to this point? a box of ritz crackers retails for about $3- how much can it really cost to make a friggin box of crackers? i'm guessing that given the slave labor nabisco uses to "bake" the crackers and the low grade ingredients imported from south america or somewhere, about $0.05- am i off here? and you know that only about 2% of the employees of nabisco get to sink their teeth into those profits. that's why i decided to damn the man. i will never again buy a product that will cost me less to make than to buy. i can make my own damn crackers! i'm not sure i ever will, but this post is my small contribution to the betterment of american society. no need to thank me, just send money. (wink).

shout out

by the by, thanks to matt for the template change. for those of you who've read all the archives, you will recall that matt was the inspiration for this blog in the beginning and he has sucessfully helped me transitio to my "fall" blog. tks matt.

desperation is an ugly thing. it makes a person do things she would not normally do, think thoughts she might not normally think, say and do things she normally wouldn't. the scary thing is that it's not clear to the desperate person that they are in said state until it's too late and they've gone too far. such was the case sunday night when i lost all of my control and cried all night over crush (in his presence no less). it was terrible. i was a blubbering mess- my eyes were so swollen, my face so red. my heart is just broken over him. it's so sad that we can't be. i'll never understand why fate brought us together only to be kept apart. i know that after sunday it is over between us. i want more than he wants to give and that is the worst thing a woman could want from a man. i'm so devastated.

fresh.

on being a cow, and other amusing discoveries
i talked to my brother doug on sunday. it's good to speak to him as he is a very witty guy. his off the wall humor has aged like fine cheese over the years. inevitably, the conversation turned to whether or not i had a current love interest at present, and, not wanting to say no as i have so many times in the past (doug has been with his same girlfriend nicholl for the last six years), i told him the whole sordid story of crush. dougs interpretation of the whole deal is that crush is basically getting the milk for free. to hear my brother, my flesh and blood, say those words to me, made me realize that it was probably true. i was mortified. crush hasn't called me since we spent the night together on sat.
since being reduced to nothing more than a cow who doesn't know her value, i've been doing some soul searching... is it my destiny to be alone? well, according to my "free sample destiny report" from www.astrology.com, it is. read:

Sun in Aries:

The truth that each of us is essentially alone and that we must ultimately answer to ourselves regarding our choices in life is one that resonates deeply within you. Thus, patricia, your first loyalty is to yourself and to living your own life as authentically as possible. When you are most yourself, you are a risk taker, a trailblazer, forging your own path rather than following anyone else's lead. Whether or not you have the courage to do so, to boldly assert yourself and follow your own star - standing alone when necessary - is crucial to fulfilling your life purpose. Find out more with your full-length report...

There are many ways, both positive and negative, you could choose to express this core sense of singleness and this need to be an original or a pioneer. You may, for instance, simply choose to remain single. Your independence, autonomy, and freedom are very important to you, and at heart you really do not want to be distracted from your purposes or encumbered by the responsibilities and complications that accompany close, ongoing partnership with others. You are by nature a solo. This does not necessarily mean that you will avoid intimate relationships or commitments, but there must be some arena in you life where you are the chief, where you take initiative and make the decisions. Being a sole proprietor of an upstart business enterprise, free lancing, supporting yourself with as little external input as possible - they are all possible expressions of your inner drive to live life on your own terms, by your own inner creativity and dictates. If you do not feel you are your own boss, patricia, you simply will not be happy. Your lifestyle and work must reflect your strong impulses to be self-reliant as well as to create something NEW, in order for you to be in harmony. Find out more with your full-length report...

if that don't beat all.

crush is away since a week ago. i talked to him for an hour yesterday... i'm in love. i told him about my plan to leave the navy, and he was happy. i think he's sweet on me. he says that he thinks about me. i'll see him when he comes back next weekend. i love imagining what my life with him would be like, i love the way he balances my fire with his calm temper, the way he puts things in perspective for me, the way he listens while i rant about my neurosis, the way he accepts me for what i am, how supportive and gentle he is. his touch is truly the softest, most penetrating i've experienced. he makes my chromosomes do backflips.
new apartment, old stuff returns to light up my life. my box arrived marked up with italian paraphenalia. i like to think that people saw the boxes and thought that i had all of my stuff imported from italy.
watched abre los ojos on saturday- the precursor to vanilla sky. set in madrid, it made me long for the experience of living in a strange land where customs, food, people are all different. i'm of the opinion that anyone who has been to europe is more intelligent than her neighbor who stayed in the usa all her life. a girl who has lived in europe is a genious compared to her girlfriend who merely visited for a couple of weeks during a summer vacation.