rest and relaxation?
i'm on leave all this week. i'm not going to do anything but lounge. it is a hard life though, trying to fill the hours, but who's complaining? date with crush on saturday/sunday: confusing. i'm starting to think he's just "that guy", which in turn would make me "that girl". *shreek* i'm tired of this helovesme,helovesmenot merry-go-round. incidentally, he read my blog and declared it "interesting", nothing more. could it be because he is made to be the villian in my little saga, or could it be that he never realized he was such a dick, or could it be that he hates the fact that i write about him because he thinks of me as nothing more than a fuck? and speaking of fuck, that's about all that it is anyway, so whatever. i'm really starting to resent him. its harder than i thought to be "that girl". i'm all self conscious all the time: we were making tacos and i was doing the topping part (lettuce, tomato, cheese) and i kept asking him how much i should cut. that is so unlike me! i know how much goddamn cheese to take out, i'm a smart girl, but for some reason i want him to feal in control... maybe because i'm afraid he won't like me if i show him the real me? ah!! i sound so fucking retarded! what would i do to have a regular boyfriend? i want a guy who wants to know what i'm thinking, who wants to come to my parents house for thanksgiving, who reads my blog and tells me that i'm talented. this whole ordeal is bad bad bad for my self image. maybe i subconsciously think that i don't deserve a great guy. is fear of success setting my boundries? hmmm?