confidentialmisanthropy

About my last post, and the GL debacle, I'm over it. I did find it amusing how quick Roger went from hyper-defensive, claiming his own resignation to jumping right back on the cock, pledging his alliegance in a matter of a few hours. It's his calling card, after all. When the resignation thread went up, I hadn't really decided if I was walking away yet. (Contrary to belief, we didn't all meet up at the Hall of Doom and plan a mass exodus.) On the real though, it feels like some jerk's been coming to my favorite bar and fucking up my buzz for the last two years... and somewhere along the line he brought his smiley-happy twin along. If he's gonna continue writing at GL, then it's decided. I'm done.

So yeah. I'm in a very "don't give a fuck" mood right now. And I'm gonna tell it like it is.

The reason I said it was all my fault was due to the fact that I could've nipped it all in the bud a long time ago. I should've told him how I felt about him a long time ago, when he asked me. I just figured he'd lose interest or take a hint or whatever. It didn't happen that way though. It only got worse. He didn't leave. His zeal for "videogame journalism" only grew, apparently to the point where he got to big for GL and started two-timing on us. I never said anything. Not even while Mo, Lamkin, Frosty and G-Man tried, to no avail, to put everything out there. They got labeled "Locke-haters" and got written off. I'd just shake my head, grit my teeth, and vent about it here.

He sent me a letter some months back. When I read it it came off as a disclaimer for the way he's acted the entire three years I've known him:

From: Locke
To: BlackThought
Posted: 24 Feb 2005 18:03
Subject: I'm not quite sure what it is about you man....

But you always have and always will intrigue me. I love reading your blogs and find my self wanting to be a part of them as if it's some sort of fantasy world.

It's too bad we weren't better friends.

I honestly feel that I got shafted the way people thought of me on the ChuckieV. I wasn't used to being constantly around people that I wouldn't normally associate with; people I didn't like or treated me with disrespect. It wasn't until I was already about out of the Navy that I realized why people fucked with me: I gave them the ammo. They did their worst in making me show my anger or my weaknesses. People used it against me and made me appear to be a little bitch. The problem also was that I couldn't get away with beating the crap out of someone without severe reprecussions. Although that is not my ideal way of dealing with things, it would've probably made people stop fucking with me (it sure stopped Lantrum, aka Vash).

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm completely different outside the shitty Navy environment. I never have to worry about people fucking with me anymore and so I have 100% no enemies and a shit ton more loyal friends and people that love to associate with me. Had we met under different circumstances, I'm sure our relationship would've been different.....as well as the rest of the guys from MainComm. Though the ones that were pricks to me were really just jealous, though they'd never admit or maybe even realize it. I know my worth and that I'm a very happy, fortunate human being with a beautiful, loving wife....and I don't think some people agreed with that simply because misery loves company; that boat was a cesspool of miserable people.

Jeez, I'm rambling. I'm only telling you all this because I hope you, of all people, saw me for who I really was back then and know that I'm a completely different person then what was portrayed on that miserable boat. I still saddens me that I pretty much lost two very good friends (Mo and Johnny) for no other reasons then them thinking I was a cry baby or a big-mouthed "little bitch" because I didn't know how to express or hide my feelings from people that intentionally tried to manipulate them. I'm a people-person. I tried to get along with everyone and still do. Hell, I hung out with everyone from Dang to Austin to Hardymoore. Remember our "party" in Japan? I've never thought I was too good for anyone. But for some reason, people found that as a weakness. People love Johnny because he's the opposite, which I find odd. He's pretty much an ass and doesn't really give two shits about anyone he doesn't find cool. But he could hide all his feelings quite well or even appear to be someone he really isn't. He's not really an ass nor does he not care about people. He knew how to play what unfortunately turned into a "game". Johnny was in A School with me, and I promise you he was nothing like he was on the Vinson. He used to pretty much emulate ME! He started dressing like me and I actually met him because he stood at attention for "Ace" when I came down a ladderwell with a funny, half-serious look on his face. Back in A School, I was the man. I was "Ace". No one fucked with me and everyone knew who I was and liked me, even deferred to me!......the Navy wasn't miserable for them or me yet and people saw me for who I was and what I could do and appreciated me. Johnny may not admit, but that's how it all started....swear to God.

Take care of yourself Watts. If you find any meaning in my words here, you'll figure out that, most of all, I have a lot of respect for you to even explain myself and hope to continue to be your friend.

Let Mo know if you think he'd even care about our once strong friendship. Even though he kind of bitched out on ME for not explaining why he didn't like me anymore when I asked him (I guess he made me figure it out for myself), I still like him and I respect him for the most part.

Peace out.

Ham salami bacon!

I didn't reply.

I've witnessed people trying to level with the guy before and it's always been a fruitless endeavor. So why bother? I don't need the headache.

But...

Now that my tenure on the Gamers' Logik staff is history and I no longer have to bite my tongue for the sake of equanimity, I'm gonna answer it here.

Roger,

You shouldn't seek council from me. Me least of all people. Truth is, I never considered you a friend of mine, I'm just allergic to drama and I couldn't bring myslef to admit it. I will however, in light of current events impart whatever judgment I guess you were seeking from me when you wrote this to me.

First off, I have to concede to being a bit suprised to know that you were, in fact, conscious of your reputation, 'cause if you were, I would think you'd have shown some manner of contrition while you were still on the Vinson. The reason people treated you the way they did was simple riposte for what you did to them (and to yourself) on a daily basis.

There are alot of myths people believe in when they join the Navy, and I can only assume the military in general. Myths that usually get debunked within the first year. The most commonplace myth being that respect comes with rank and position. I know a few hundred sailors that can vouch for this being far from the truth. It doesn't come from crying in your rack, kissing ass, or back-stabbing and stepping all over people to get ahead. Respect is something you earn. Had you spent less of your enlistment on your knees, and more time helping out someone other than yourself you might have learned that.

"I love reading your blogs and find my self wanting to be a part of them as if it's some sort of fantasy world."

I guess you got your wish.

Have a nice life.

- Watts